slight alterations

I believe I’ve changed. Just praying tonight and thinking about what I’m going to do tomorrow with two ladies at my disposal to take care of my kids, I realize that I’m not who I once was.

The before Sara—the before I had Landon Sara
I read the book Organizing inside and out—something like that. “It changed my life.” I had declared. And so it had. Before Landon came, I had organized every drawer, every shelf, every room to be super organized.
Each day started with a list. I checked things off. The list grew, but at the end of the day, accomplishment meant most of the list was crossed off.
I thought that exercising and feeling good about myself were the most important things. Yeah, I took care of Hayden. I was a good mom. However, putting on make up had it’s order in my line up of things to do. Not much was out of place.
I worked out twice a week. I pushed myself, even though I was pregnant. I was at the gym the day before I had Landon.
Accomplishment meant having a clean house every minute of the day and dinner on the table ready when Serge got home. On a shlumpy day, he had to wait.

The after Landon Sara
Some days I get make up on. Most days I don’t worry about it unless I have an appointment
Success to me is spending quality time with both of my boys, making sure medications is given at the right time and letting my husband know I appreciate him. That’s a really good day.
I don’t have dinner ready. In fact, most of the time Serge cooks when he gets home after a long day at work and school. I don’t like that, but it’s a reality.
My house is in constant need of a good shine. My carpet looks and feels gross. My kitchen floor is dirty the day after I mop it—which is about once a month now. I feel such an accomplishment when my kitchen table is cleaned off.
I haven’t worked out in months and I don’t really feel bad about it. I have gained some weight, but my husband still loves me and thinks I’m hot.
I stay up after everyone is in bed so that I can still feel like myself. I read books as often as I can. It’s wonderful exploring someone else’s world.
I usually have to get up with one of my boys a few times each night. That or Landon’s feeding pump is beeping at me in my dreams—then I wake up to discover it’s for real. The longest stretch of sleep that I get is from 11pm to 5 am. I consider that great! Then I can go back to sleep until 6(give medication and stop feed) and then back to sleep until around 7(Landon wakes up). That’s close to eight hours right?

The after Landon Sara may seem a little dreary, but in all actuality, it’s been such a good road. I think I have realized a little bit more that life is not always organized down to the T. Some women can do that and it makes them happy. However, when I try to do that now-a-days, it makes my whole household sad, uptight and whiney. It’s not worth it to me. I don’t live in a pigsty, but it’s not perfect—and we’re really happy.
I still love shopping, but I do it at second hand stores, garage sales and thrift stores. I love having people give us clothes they are done with. I love the saying, “use if up, wear it out. Make it do, or do without.” At least I think that’s how it goes.
So tomorrow when I have two women at my disposal, to take care of my kids, I’m not going to have a list of one million things to do. I’ll probably pick two meaningful things to do with my kids and then I’m just going to enjoy the day. Yeah, I know to some of you it may sound like a waste. But it’s how I WANT to spend my day—that makes all the difference.

The things that I can do

Well,
Since the Olympics, I have really cut down on Tv. It was just taking up so much time, and in the wrong times. Right when we needed to get the kids into bed and have scripture study and family prayer, I needed to watch the results show, or something or other. So, I cut it out.
Now, at night, I hardly know what to do with myself. I think I need to go to bed like at 8:30, shortly after the kids go down, but I still have to wait up to give meds. I can read, which I used to do much more than I do now. And. . .
I think about change. Things are going to change here in a few weeks and I am dreading it. I realized that tonight. Serge is going to be starting school. Work schedules change. What if we have to get a new job? What if,. . .
And then I realize, that we have not changed(well, we did change jobs, but it really wansn't that scary) or places that we have lived, or schedules at all for the past four years. Yeah, we just had our anniversary. Change is brewing and I used to love change, but now. . . I am just a little fearful of the future. What will it hold for us. Most of all, I don't want my relationships to suffer because of the change. It's always hard for me when Serge starts a new quarter, but this summer has been so nice. HMMM. Change.

What the Heck am I doing?

Somedays I just wonder if I really am cut out for motherhood. Like today. I had this brilliant plan that I was going to teach Landon how to eat today. I stopped his night feed at 6am. Then I tried a bottle at 8am. Nope, kept trying. At 12 I just gave him pedialite to keep him hydrated and let him sleep(no binki). Then I tried again when he got up. Nope. At 5pm we were having power struggles and I lost it. All day and he refuses taking a bottle to the point he is so mad that he works up a sweat and turns lovely shades.
at 7 I finally give in and just tube some nourishment down him. What the heck???! I don't know the lesson Heavenly Father has for me to learn, but I think I am going insane. Is it just my need to control things? I thought I had learned a while ago that I don't have control. Well I'm feeling it even more now. My poor husband.

Moms are good enough

So here's my latest rant. Why do women never think they are good enough? We put our bodies on the back burner as we have children. We always think of others--From the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night. We are strong. We are intelligent. We are always trying to better ourselves.
Yet I constantly feel that I am lacking. I could have dealt with that situation better. I could keep the house cleaner. . . blah, blah, blah.
Well, no more. I read a post by the Sutters that got me thinking. It linked to an explanation of a woman who was killed in a train accident. She suffered from Bi-polar. She posted notes to herself all over the house such as: I am strong. I can only be controlled by me. I love being me.
What an example. I really need to be more positive with myself. I am strong. I am raising two boys in a world that is crazy. I am living in 400 sq. feet for crying out loud. And you know what? I really love it. Now you may be asking if I am crazy and not the world. However, I love that it keeps me real. We don't loose anyone and we live on love. Yup!
Live it up baby!

Vacations

So I apologize, to the two of you who periodically check this blog. I haven't had time to rant in script(I've just been doing it out loud)
So my question is, why is it so much harder for moms to take a day off than dads? My getting away is a trip to the hair salon for an hour. Other than that, every other thing is done with the kids--one of them at least and most of the time both. Serge is going to a "competition" campout this weekend. His team of three designed a "dwelling". They do have to hike their stuff a mile and then camp out in their "dwelling" for two nights and three days. WAAA!
Just like that, he has a weekend planned. No arranging for a baby sitter, no worries about the laundry getting piled up, or even worried about his poor wife all alone with two kids--well, he is worried about us being safe. However, I'm seriously more concerned about dealing with two cranky kids, one who just got out of surgery a week ago and another two year old who has anger spurts when I try to tell him his shoes are on the wrong feet.
I love my husband, I just am jellous of how he can get away without worries.

What we women put ourselves through

Well, I must say that I am so thankful to Wendy for teaching me how to foil. It has been one of the most money saving talents I have--right next to clipping cupons. I tried a new bleach tonight and I must say that I loved it. Warning-The thicker you mix the bleach, the quicker it lifts the color. Let's just say that I'm very thankful for the toner I put on afterwards.
Pictures to follow later. It's daylight savings time????

Should I be concerned?

So I try to be friendly. Wouldn't you agree? Well, we had some neighbors move in next door. They are interesting. Don't get me wrong, they don't have a bra statue out in front like the last owners. However, they do decorate for Halloween, but not Christmas. So anywho, it took us a while to have any conversations with them. They are not married and it seems they have a live in guy roommate too. The first real conversation I had with them, besides the cordial "hello", was after the little incident I like to call "loony on drugs hides in my shed and gets attacked by police dogs and then tasered." I think after that experience we all felt a little closer to our neighbors. We all talk a little bit more after that.
So anywho--I see the couple all the time. Like middle of the day, late at night--you get the picture. They never go to work. So I ask them one day--what do you do? The guy(sad I don't know his name)says he does lots of things. Like he sells cars. HHHMMM. So he buys a yellow corvette and then puts some black alloy wheels on them. Then he sells it. He tells me that he bought it from a guy in Michigan and sold it here for double the cost. Next thing I know--it's back in his front driveway. Then yesterday, I kid you not, he has a Tahoe out in front with doors that open like a Lamborghini. I asked him if this was his new rig. He replied, "yep. I listed my truck on Craigslist and it sold in 3 hours. so I had to buy a new car. I don't like it though." Which means he's going to sell it too I guess. People, the guy goes through cars(and boats for that matter)like candy.
Signed,
A girl just trying to get a parking space close to my house